Here I am, back on the web, after an absence of, what? two or three years! I got inspired to start a journal again when I went to the web in search of solace over the recent election results and their aftermath. There ARE people out there who actually like to think about things and don't paint everything and everyone with two broad brushes, one black and one white. So, this journal will be about current affairs and pop culture, but with a bit of personal scrapbook thrown in.
About my handle. I've been undergroundwoman for almost as long as I've been on the web (since '94). The name works for me on several levels. I read Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground when I was 19 and the character of the underground man resonated very strongly with me. Like him, I tend to be introspective, judgmental, fearful, neurotic, but also capable of incredible perceptions and honesty. He judged other people harshly, but he judged himself more harshly than anyone, putting himself through rituals of self-punishment when he indulged in a petty or spiteful act.
I've struggled with this for a while, mainly due to the fact that I've always felt impotent when it comes to understanding the world and affecting change in it. I've spent the last several years in various cultural undergrounds participating in various lovely hedonisms as a protest to that feeling of impotence. I have no intention of putting aside my hedonisms, but I'm tired of running from the defining identification of my internal life. I have been seized and possessed by the image of Medusa for almost 12 years now, but I've never known what to do with the possession. She is my constant companion and teacher, even though I am afraid of the lessons that she teaches. Until I learn them, I will never know her power. I am determined to confront her, so this journal will also detail my encounters with myself.
I feel a responsibility to interact with the world on a more basic level, to get in touch with the incredible power I know to be buried within me. It's not that I mind being selfish. I don't. It's just that I have to take a stand for things that I feel are right and beautiful in the humanity and in myself to combat the terrible fear and negativity in which the world is immersed at the present time. Even though I have a lot of work to do on myself to make myself a better person, I finally realized that it's not all about me. Part of the reason I think I've been so stuck is because I'm afraid of getting involved with people. In many ways, I've always been a spectator, cut off from other people, afraid to let them see me, afraid that they would destroy me by thinking me monstrous, because I could so clearly see the monstrous characteristics within myself. It's not that I'm truly unhappy or clinically depressed -- I'm not. It's just that I'm not who I should be.
This is day one of a new attempt to move forward.
Are all INFP's destined to be thouroughly unhappy? I want all of you who read this to really think about that for a minute. Don't just get mad and give me a knee jerk response. At least let me explain what I mean first.
I have been searching for something for the better part of my life. I want to emphasise the word "something" in that sentence. The problem is that I don't know what that "something" is. Whats worse is that when I finally get involved with "something" that ignites the fire inside of me it usually only last for a period of time. sometimes only weeks or months and sometimes years.
I'm a problem solver (at least for a little while longer) so I am trained to look for patterns in things (something that INFP's are good at). I see that same pattern here on this page. I see that same longing in the words of other INFP's. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to be uncertain and I don't want to be constantly looking for something that I can't seem to find.
What is the scoop? Can someone enlighten me? Just exactly what screw has come loose in the INFP brain? Are we all destined to constantly seek some level of fullfilment that isn't attainable?
Maybe you guys are gonna think I'm nuts. Maybe I just need a new project to keep me occupied or interested. It has been a while since I emersed myself in anything. The problem is that I believe deep down that the projects are a distraction from the reality. The reality is that I am looking for something. I just don't know what it is.
Posted by: beavis | 11/15/2006 at 04:38 PM